Roughing It

Since this was the last week of summer for me, my boss was an angel and gave me a couple days off work. We went camping on Thursday which was fun but not nearly as romantic as it sounded. First of all, cuddling actually became a form of survival. The temperature dropped much lower than expected. Of course, Alexander pointed out that you generate more body heat when naked and then asked me if I wanted him to take off his shirt or if I wanted to do it myself. [I did it.] For those who are not in the know with basic survival methods, it absolutely got warmer. However, our sleeping bags somehow had incompatible zippers [which contributed to the whole freezing problem] so anytime Alexander shifted, part of my body would be exposed and a small layer of ice began to cover my skin.

Needless to say, any "romantic" thoughts were quickly extinguished by Mother Nature. I think we slept a total of twenty minutes. The ground was like chopped up cement. After years of damage from full-contact sports, we both share a list of aches and pains that all seemed to flare up that night.

The trip was not an entire disaster although it takes a hindsight view to figure that out. The drive up was delayed a couple hours by Alexander's tardiness, then it took longer to get up there anyway because we couldn't find the correct campsite. We ended up doing a lot of nagging at each other to the point that I didn't even want to sleep by him that night. Once we settled at our site I went wandering with Aurora to do some thinking. The other girls camping with us were off doing their own thing so I finally shouted for Al to come up since I felt bad he was sitting there doing most likely nothing.

Well he came and up and sat on the rock and there was just more nit-picking. My problem is that normally, when someone annoys me is I just give 'em a piece of my mind without a second thought. With Al, I become quiet so I avoid regrets. As everything is running through my head, Al realizes I'm upset and asks me what I'm thinking. The problem is, I rarely tell him what's on my mind, which adds to his frustration. Knowing that now I'm making the situation worse, I finally tell him that I'm not mad, I'm just bothered by all the nit-picking we've been having.

Without skipping a bit, Al jumps off the rock and stands a couple feet behind and tells me to come here. I slowly slide off the rock and walk up to him as he opens his arms to hug me. As soon as I feel his arms embrace me, I feel my eyes start to water. I'm not sure why I get like that since I could hug him for two hours and never grow tired of it.

We get to talking again and Al tells me that I'm pretty. Now, I'm not about to give you some long, winded sob story, but I'm just not used to being treated well or complimented. He asks me if I believe him and I tell him kind of and after a pause, he tells me that every time he tells me that I'm pretty, he wants it to feel like the first time I've heard him say it.

Later that night, after several failed attempts to cook bratwursts over the fire, and a couple beers later, the girls start getting themselves worked up over bears. They finally go hide in the car, too afraid to even sleep in their tent for the night. Hours later, as we find ourselves tossing and turning in an attempt to get comfortable, I realize Al is wide awake. We start talking, being as groggy as I was it took me a couple seconds longer to figure the mumbling noises was him asking me a question.

"What do you want?"

I'm not sure how long it really took, but it felt like a long twenty minutes before I answered. It wasn't that I didn't know what to say, it was that I didn't want to say it. Then I finally told him, "I think what I want is what I'm scared of having."

"Which is?"

"Something good," I told him. There, I said it. It was out. This wasn't the first time I told someone this.

"Do you think I'm something good?" My head, resting on his chest, nodded a timid yes. "I care too much about you to hurt you. You know that?"

Despite the fact I thought I was whispering all along, I felt my voice get even smaller as I told him, "I've heard that before."

"How many of them lasted as long as I have?"

"A couple," I responded. Sadly, the two longest relationships I have been in I was told "I love you too much to hurt you" and "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise." The second one is a five second video clip that I play in my head all the time. And then you cheated on me? How could that not hurt me? You said you loved me!

Al went on to tell me how much he cares about me. As I sit here, retelling the story, it is so easy for me to see how incredible he is. But amidst the conversation, all I felt was fear.

"Do you think I am going to hurt you?"

"Yes," I told him hesitantly.

We talked for a bit more, and then I nodded off into a restless sleep. The conversation from there on is much more blury which is too bad because it was a fairly important one for our relationship.

So despite the nit-picking, arguing, and almost-frostbitten bum, I'd call the overall trip a success. I don't know much but I do know we're taking a step in the right direction and with every baby step forward, I'm one step closer to learn how to trust, feel, and maybe even love again.