My anxiety has been getting really bad in the last couple weeks. In hindsight bias, I can say that the summer before I moved out here, I spiraled down from multiple heartbreaks and then was working on building myself up with the inspiration of Martin. But when he died in November, it all came crashing down. Then meeting Jake, well, it was the false sense of security happiness. Deep down, I'm sure I was still a mess, but being with him made me unrealistically happy. Most of my friends had told me at one point or another they had never seen me laugh or smile as much as when I was with him. So to say that he shattered my heart again, well in reality, I guess he just peeled off the bandaid that was barely holding all the pieces back together. So again, it was an immediate drop back to where I was. I missed Martin worse and hated where I was even more.
Eventually I worked on picking myself back up. About a ten months after Martin's death, I was so depressed that I swear I did not even smile for a week. So I tried again, to think about how Reuben felt and how Martin would want me to feel. I thought about him saying "Don't be sad, Troubles" and tried to, rather than break down at the thought of his voice, to instead to kind of go with it and live for him, as I had told myself so long ago I would for Kurt. And I started to. The anniversary of his death I felt happier than I had in months, which confused me why I would. For so long I fought back and forth to just get completely annhilated on the day, or well, to not. Knowing Martin's feelings towards alchohol and drug use, I knew that it would be blatant disrespect to him and tried [and even succeeded!] to fight off the weaker of the two choices.
That lasted about a week. And then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And my world came crashing down. Since then, I have cried at least five days a week. Sometimes it will be just a tear or two, and other days I'll sob for hours. But the tears I held back for so many years have just been flying out more than I would ever think imaginable. Since this summer, and more specifically, since the new job, I have felt my anxiety skyrocket through the roof.
Every time I think "this is the worst it's been" I have a slight recovery, crash again, and then think the same thing about the current low. So I have been now I have been working towards specifying my feelings more so that I understand me. What seems at face value a simple task has become quite daunting.
I again feel alone. And that no one cares. But these are just my typical emotions. Now, I have the overwhelming anxiety that has been most noticeable with the crying. I cried at work this week and last week. I cried during my exam today. I have never experienced such an inability to hold back tears! It is so frustrating that I have become so weak, I am incapable of hiding it. For at least ten years, I have practiced being able to hide most of my emotions [aside from fleeting happiness or anger] and at this point can pride myself in the ability to appear so calm and collected while chaos reigns inside. This however, has also prevented me from getting help or continuing help because of the habitual ongoing of seeming so well put together, even during something like a therapy session where the psychologist wants your raw emotions.
...[tbcont]
