(Actually) Numb (this time.)

I am shocked that my most recent post is almost a month ago.  It only felt like a couple days.

Life has been good lately.  I no longer feel very sad about quitting my job.  My life is practically stress-free, I no longer have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn, and the numbness has faded a bit.

It's not even that my life is stress-free but now that I eliminated so much of it...I can actually handle things.

A lot of my battle with my mind and being on the medication is the decision between pain/sadness vs. numbness.  For those who enjoy the quote, "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."  Well...you must not be in enough pain.  Being so sad that it hurts is an awful way to live.  Some days I can hardly breathe, it hurts so bad.  Losing so many people...and then losing the only thing I thought I'd always have...well, there's not much to be hopeful for.

Now I know that there are hundreds of thousands of things that I should be grateful for.  Running water, CLEAN running water, a roof, warm clothes, a car, family, an able body... it's not that I'm ungrateful for it but just because I am not living in 3rd world conditions is not enough to "snap" me out of the pain.

The only "cure" that I have found to be lasting is a pill.  I hate pills.  I hate taking ibuprofen!  And here I am, all dosed up so that I no longer feel the anxiety and pain.  And on most days, I don't.  But I don't feel anything at all.  I don't feel love.  I don't feel happiness.  I can feel a warm touch, but it doesn't give me a warm, fuzzy feeling.  I do not enjoy things, I just do them because I know that at some point, I have enjoyed them.

Now my problem is-I just don't know which way to live.  Is it better to be in pain but be able to feel positive emotions on occasion...or be numb from it all?