Trust no one.

And when you're staring at that phone in your lap

And you hoping but them people never call you back

But that's just how the story unfolds

You get another hand soon after you fold

And when your plans unravel

And they sayin' what would you wish for

If you had one chance

Lost.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end."

Friendship always fades.

(Actually) Numb (this time.)

I am shocked that my most recent post is almost a month ago.  It only felt like a couple days.

Life has been good lately.  I no longer feel very sad about quitting my job.  My life is practically stress-free, I no longer have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn, and the numbness has faded a bit.

It's not even that my life is stress-free but now that I eliminated so much of it...I can actually handle things.

A lot of my battle with my mind and being on the medication is the decision between pain/sadness vs. numbness.  For those who enjoy the quote, "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."  Well...you must not be in enough pain.  Being so sad that it hurts is an awful way to live.  Some days I can hardly breathe, it hurts so bad.  Losing so many people...and then losing the only thing I thought I'd always have...well, there's not much to be hopeful for.

Now I know that there are hundreds of thousands of things that I should be grateful for.  Running water, CLEAN running water, a roof, warm clothes, a car, family, an able body... it's not that I'm ungrateful for it but just because I am not living in 3rd world conditions is not enough to "snap" me out of the pain.

The only "cure" that I have found to be lasting is a pill.  I hate pills.  I hate taking ibuprofen!  And here I am, all dosed up so that I no longer feel the anxiety and pain.  And on most days, I don't.  But I don't feel anything at all.  I don't feel love.  I don't feel happiness.  I can feel a warm touch, but it doesn't give me a warm, fuzzy feeling.  I do not enjoy things, I just do them because I know that at some point, I have enjoyed them.

Now my problem is-I just don't know which way to live.  Is it better to be in pain but be able to feel positive emotions on occasion...or be numb from it all?

Numb.

Music is wonderful isn't it?

Life has changed so much since the last entry.  I really don't even know how to feel.  I'm on higher medication and will likely increase it again.  Alexander and I are still dating, although there have been some moments where I've questioned if that is the best for us.  As he struggles with the problems in his family, I struggle with myself.  My mind.

Sometimes I really wish I didn't have to think so deeply about things all the time.  I struggle to ever take something at face value.  I know that it helps me see through a lot of things people say, but at the same time the constant questioning of why someone said what they did, what are they trying to get out of me, what's in it for them...it gets tiring.

I just quit my job today.  You would think, after the hell they had put me through, that I would feel relieved.  The strongest emotion I've been able to figure out I have is sadness.  I just adored all but 1 person in that hospital.  And of course, she had to be the one who gets to boss me around.  I have never quit a job I have loved [and hated] so much.  I found out later today that she was planning on firing me tomorrow.  Most people would be relieved that quit at the right time, but I'm infuriated that someone would claim to have a good reason to fire me.

I wish I had the chance to write more.  The title of this entry doesn't even make sense.  Write more soon [hopefully]!